Where We Belong

[#12.2021]

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I didn't break down because I hadn't made the drill team, I wept for that girl who couldn't comfort back then. The girl who didn't understand what was happening or why. I wept for the parents who were so ill equipped to deal with my pain and vulnerability. Parents who just didn't have the skills to speak up and comfort me or, at the very least, run an interception on the story of not belonging with them or to them. These are moments that, when left unspoken and unresolved, send us into our adult lives searching desparately for belonging and settling for fitting in.

𓇊𓇊𓇊

Not belonging in our family has the power to break our heart, our spirit and our sense of self-worth.

1. You live in constant pain and seek relief by numbing it and/or inflicting it on others;

2. You deny your pain, and your denial ensures that you pass it on to those around you and down to your children; or

3. You find the courage to own the pain and develop a level of empathy and compassion for yourself and others that allows you to spot hurt in the world in a unique way.

𓇊𓇊𓇊

Sometimes the most dangerous thing for kids is the silence that allows them to construct their own stories - stories that almost always cast them as alone and unworthy of love and belonging.

𓇊𓇊𓇊

Never underestimate the power of being seen - it's exhausting to keep working against yourself when someone truly sees you and loves you.

𓇊𓇊𓇊

We are going to need to intentionally be with people who are different from us. We're going to have to sign up, join, and take a seat at the table. We're going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.

𓇊𓇊𓇊

Wilderness Checklist - BRAVING

Boundaries - You respect my boundaries, and when you're not clear about what's okay and not okay, you ask. You're willing to say no.

Reliability - You do what you say you'll do. This means staying aware of our competencies and limitations so you don't overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.

Accountability - You own your own mistakes, apologize, and make amends.

Vault - You don't share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you're not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.

Integrity - You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.

Nonjudgment - I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.

Generosity - You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.

𓇊𓇊𓇊

Rather than dancing and praying together, we're running from one another. Rather than pitching wild and innovative new ideas that could potentially change everything, we're staying quiet and small in our bunkers and loud in our echo chambers.

𓇊𓇊𓇊

For the moments, most of us are either making the choice to protect ourselves from conflict, discomfort, and vulnerability by staying quiet, or picking sides and in the process slowly and paradoxically adopting the behavior of the people we're fighting. Either way, the choices we're making to protect our beliefs and ourselves are leaving us disconnected, afraid, and lonely. 

𓇊𓇊𓇊

We get the lonely feeling in places that don't feel alive with connection.

𓇊𓇊𓇊

Hunger is a warning that our blood sugar is low and we need to eat. Thirst warns us that we need to drink to avoid dehydration. Pain alerts us to potential tissue damage. And loneliness tells us that we need social connection - something as critical to our well-being as food and water.

"Denying you feel lonely makes no more sense than denying you feel hunger." - John Cacioppo (University of Chicago)

BRAVING THE WILDERNESS

By Brené Brown

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